I don’t want to

see any more annoying films about happy gay couples. I’m sick of them. Last night I tried to watch Barb and Star Go To Vista Del Mar but it was too boring. So I turned it off. Why does every movie these days have to have a sci-fi component? Yes Jamie Dornan gets partially naked -- but not often enough. I found the movie slightly offensive, as the type of women it's making fun of are the type of women I love — i.e. middle-aged, unmarried women who talk too much and live in a fantasy world of their own devising. These women  are my best friends; I love and respect them (mainly because they are so much like me). So I don’t enjoy seeing them lamely lambasted. The movie is only funny when Barb and Star are on -- and then hardly at all. So I downloaded this horrible thing called Falling with Viggo Mortensen and Lance Henriksen. OMG. It was so awful. I only watched ten minutes of it. I think Rotten Tomatoes said ‘it’s a little slow but its heart is in the right place.’ Jesus I should have known, never watch a movie whose ‘heart is in the right place.’ I also must admit I wanted to see what had become of Lance Henriksen. I was in a movie with him once (notice how casually I  throw that off— as if it’s nothing?) It was a horrible movie — the only Hollywood movie I was ever in-- called Face the Evil. Because that title didn’t sell too well it was later renamed No Contest II. Which gives you some idea. It was a sequel to the fabulous No Contest  — which was a rip off of the Bruce Willis Die Hard franchise, only instead of a macho male defending a building under siege —  what about a kickboxing, kickass blonde? Yes, it starred ex-Playboy foldout and ex-Hugh Hefner girlfriend Shannon Tweed. She was very nice to me. One day we were having lunch and she showed me the ring Gene Simmons gave her. It was a very nice ring. Lance Henriksen was very funny though, he took me under his wing. I must have been —I don’t know — nearly forty, but as I have a baby face he thought I was younger. I was playing an ugly skinhead killer (a part I was born to play) and he was the lead villain. Well somehow Lance got it into his head that I was an aspiring young actor looking to make it in Hollywood (honestly, I don't know how he got that idea) so he just had to say: — 'Listen,  kid' (I think he actually called me kid) 'I’ll get you some extra lines.’ And he did. But that was his m.o.; Lance was always trying to get himself more lines, usually by subtly suggesting changes to the lines he had.  Lance would say “Do you really think this guy would say 'I think we should bump him off?' Wouldn’t he say 'I think we've got to bump him off’ instead?" I suppose that -- technically speaking -- Lance was  very nice to me, so I don't want to trash him. But he was a) treating me as if I was straight —which bugs me — and b) he was being avuncular, which drives me nuts. Face the Evil is one of the stupidest movies ever made. The director Paul Lynch was some sort of pervert. I think his claim to fame was directing Prom Night with Jamie Lee Curtis (who he always talked about like she was his best friend). Obviously he hired me for this tiny role because he knew I was the artistic director of a very gay theatre and so he was looking forward to the opportunity to chat me up: “So what do you think…I think your character is into -- some sort of strange kinky stuff -- you know, in bed. Do you agree?” I told him that yes of course, that -- due to the fact that I was somewhat of an expert on 'kinky sexuality' -- it was my considered opinion that all killer thugs are into kinky sex. And then I wiggled out from under the arm he had wrapped around me as quickly as possible. Anyway, I wanted to see Falling partially to see how Lance Henriksen was doing -- and he was doing fine — playing a very, very aged man with Alzeheimers, with gusto. His character was very ‘Lance Heriksen’ — very pushy and unable to take no for an answer. Then there was the gay couple in the film. It took me about 10 seconds to hate them, because they were nauseatingly perfect. First of all they were a mixed race couple — which is fine — but it was patently obvious to me that the only character that mattered was the white fag (Mortensen), the Asian lover was a token added for political correctness, as — at least in the part I saw — he didn’t have any lines, but just dutifully kissed Viggo Mortensen —who had died blonde hair, which of course, means he’s gay. They had an adopted child and—  well, need I go on? These fags don’t resemble any fags I know. I mean I know there are boring fags out there, fags who don’t drink, do drugs, or have promiscuous sex, but instead adopt children, go to church, respect the law, and are model citizens, but I certainly don’t ever wish to see a friggin’ movie about them. And there is another new movie with Stanley Tucci and Colin Firth called Supernova -- which I’m sure is also another boring piece of hypocritical middle-class propaganda. I wouldn't watch that film -- on the basis of the publicity alone. There were endless stories in the press about how Stanley and Colin are great friends, love each other like brothers, and even lived together -- for a time -- but are definitively not gay. I mean why are we still advertising gay movies like this? And why do disabled people inevitably picket movie theatres if a non-disabled person plays a disabled role, but straight men are not only allowed to play gay roles with absolutely no protest from the gay community, but routinely receive Oscars for them?  The realest gayest thing I’ve seen on The Megadigitalnightmare (that's what I call my computer) is Pretend It’s A City — 7  interviews with Fran Lebowitz conducted by Martin Scorcese. Wow. Can you imagine the average Netflix viewer coming across Fran Lebowitz for the first time? “Honey, honey! what is that? Is that a woman - or a man? Or is it some sort of trans thing? Jesus.” No you lunkhead — it’s a bull dyke. They are an extinct species, but much tougher -- and certainly crankier -- than any man you’ll ever meet. I love Fran Lebowtiz so much I could kiss her bossy little face. I love her permanent  scowl, her frizzy hair, her incredibly stylish man's coats and shoes, and her opinions on everything. At one point, she said -- with some derision -- ‘anyone who says they are a woman these days can be a woman!’ Good for you Friggin' Fran. You’re tougher than nails and still undeniably a woman — and I am certainly not.