to like science. I stopped taking science in grade 9, along with math and gym (I guess that explains a lot). Anyway COVD-19 has alerted me to the wonders of science. Science has all the answers; you shouldn’t trust anything else. I used to think science was contradictory— that one scientist might say one thing, and another scientist another. Now I understand. The reason why there are sometimes contradictions is because scientists are constantly discovering new things. This causes them, understandably, to change their minds from time to time. You see, scientists are always doing experiments. And sometimes those experiments come out one way, and sometimes another. Scientists never actually make mistakes, they just ‘revise previous knowledge’ — which means when you think they are being just plain stupid — well that’s impossible of course! Scientists are not stupid. And they have your best interests at heart, they really do. You see, a new experiment can turn the findings of an old experiment upside down. It happens all the time, and it’s a good thing. Take for instance, the latest scientific findings that have come to light in Ontario. For those ‘international’ readers, I should explain that Ontario is a ‘province’ (which means, like a ‘state’) in Canada, near the American border. Here in Ontario we have a wonderful ‘premier’ (which means a ‘governor’) named Doug Ford. He just brought some new scientific findings about COVID-19 to light. (Don’t mix up Doug Ford with Rob Ford. Rob Ford was the mayor of Toronto many years ago. You may have heard about Rob Ford on the news — he was the fat older brother of Doug Ford, and he was a drug addict. Doug Ford is much younger, less fat, still alive, and he is not a drug addict at all). So, the news is this, get ready — hold onto your hats! Scientists (God bless ‘em, really) are now revising their previous findings about COVID-19. It was once thought that it was dangerous for people to be indoors, but now it has been discovered (isn’t science amazing? Always changing….) that COVID-19 spreads most easily outdoors. So in Ontario, they have just brought out a whole bunch of splendid new rules responsible people must follow. Really, you must all follow them. If you don’t, then you don’t care, and you don’t love your fellow man, and you are selfish, and if someone’s grandmother dies in an old folks' home it will be your fault, and you should feel guilty about that. So these are the new rules. It is so dangerous to be outside during COVID-19 that the police are now going to stop you and ask you: “Where are you going?” — if they catch you outside. You must be either going to a grocery store or to a pharmacy. If you are not, you will be fined $750. The second most important finding of these new scientific experiments is how dangerous parks are. Gee whiz, I thought parks were dangerous because of the crack needles you might find there! But now we know — COVID-19 can be spread very easily in parks. So never to go to parks. But the most important finding is this. Children —who we previously thought were immune from COVID-19 — are not. Children are ‘spreaders’ and probably will start dying in droves at any minute. There was a horrible ‘inflammatory’ illness that many young children got many months ago. Children were thought to be safe from COVID-19. But no, they are not. In fact children are so dangerous to us — and to themselves — that they are not allowed to go to school anymore, and they are not allowed to go outside. I would not take your child to a playground. No. Doug Ford said that playing on playgrounds is the most dangerous activity of all -- then he took it back -- but that still makes me suspicious of playgrounds (you never know!). Whatever you do, do not let your child play outside. Lock them up in the house. The safest place to put your child, actually -- is in the attic. And you might put a mask on your child up there, or better yet wrap a scarf around their head to cover their mouth to make sure they don’t get — or spread —- germs. It might also be a good idea tie your child up- — attach them to the wall with hooks or something. You may have to bring food to them occasionally — but don’t do it more than you have to (it takes a child a very long time to starve, really, don't worry-- a child only really needs water — and so I would just stock up on water bottles and leave them in ‘Little Johnny’s reach.) Some children may get bored or depressed by all this (especially if they have ADHD) and — of course — you could give them an iPhone up there in the attic. But that’s not such a good idea. Iphones are one of the biggest spreaders of COVID-19 (not many people know this). I would just lock the attic door and turn out the lights. Your child will probably get pretty weak — from lack of food and exercise — but after a lot of crying your child will probably just go to sleep, maybe even for a very, very long time. I do thank the wonderful COVID-19 scientists for coming up with these new findings, and Doug Ford for implementing these important rules. I thought for a minute that Doug Ford might be accused of being irresponsible, of playing Russian Roulette with people’s lives. But no way. Premier Ford has proved that he is a follower of science and that he is really trying to save us all — so I would vote for him again! All in all he has done surprisingly well — around COVID-19. As you can see, an added bonus is that due to COVID-19 regulations we don’t really need to be bothered anymore by children or seniors — both were kind of a bother before the ‘new normal.’ But it’s not a good idea to visit ‘seniors’ (vaccine or no vaccine — you can’t be too careful) and with ‘Little Buster' or 'Mary-Anne’ or ‘Keefer’ (if it’s a ‘they’) locked up in the attic, our lives should be a lot more peaceful from now on. Thank you Science! We all really appreciate it! And I apologise for casting aspersions on science in the past. I‘ve sure learned my lesson! Let’s hear it for continuing and dedicated experimentation — and for the right of each and every scientist to change their mind!
