PLAGUE DIARY 49: SKY WRITES REVIEWS OF OLD BAD HOLLYWOOD MOVIES TO KEEP HIM SANE DURING THIS TIME OF HORRIFIC INSANITY

The Fast and the Furious (1955)
 I’m allowed to identify with the b-movie actor (John Ireland) who directed this lousy film starring himself, right? Imagine how juicy it must have been to say this line — that he probably wrote for himself — “Reminds me of the time I was bitten by a rattlesnake…. it died.” He looks damn hot — like I imagine I do. In that accidentally-unbuttoned white shirt you can see just a hint of chest hair. Everyone thinks he’s guilty of murder, but he knows he’s not, and he’s got a girl who believes in him (Dorothy Malone). Just like me. The Fast and the Furious is a not-very-talented director’s dream of great film noir. (It was the first film Roger Corman production for American International Pictures.) The acting is great, and it all hangs together. But I don’t ask for much, just extreme people in extreme situations, talking sharp and fast —  just not one of those fancy-dancy musicals where nothing is at stake. Here everything is at stake, and every day is a matter of life and death, COVID or no COVID, okay? (Geeze. You’d think we’d just discovered death.) I’m no longer depressed, because someday someone is going to agree with these blogs. And if they don’t, to hell with ‘em. The lights are off in my room (except for the one on my desk). and I’m looking out at the dark. I can see lit windows across the street where all those sad people are social distancing on another lonely night. Dorothy Malone says: “Frank, the whole world isn’t against you!” But John Ireland says — “All my life I’ve been trying to get by on my own, cuz that’s the way  figured it.” And he also says one very wise thing: “It isn’t what you are, it’s what you get taken for.” I don’t care which of the four possible authors of this damn thing wrote that line — you just know it’s true. I like John Ireland's rugged profile, I like Dorothy Malone’s platinum blonde hair, and her tight dress, and high heels (“If you’re a good girl”John Ireland says “you’ll be alive when this is over, and beautiful!”) And she says “For all I care you can go to Africa!” And he just grabs her and kisses her. There’s a lot of grabbing and kissing in this movie. And she falls love with him for one reason only: because he really knows how to drive a Jaguar. Okay. I’ll stop quoting this movie. But it’s the best bad movie I’ve seen so far. So are we living in the new friggin’ normal? No hugging, or kissing, or shaking hands? I just listened to Brendan O’Neill’s interview with Lionel Shriver. (You gotta listen to it. She’s one crazy dyke — she must be a dyke mustn’t she? If not she’s the angriest friggin’ straight woman I ever saw.) Anyway, she talked about going grocery shopping just to get out of the house and then — about what people are like when you actually get to the store: resentful, nasty, mean and angry. I went to the corner store an hour ago and some two-ton guy was standing in the middle of the aisle blocking the way to the rest of the store. And I tried to get past him and he said: “Please, No!” And he held up his rubber-gloved hand like — ‘Give me a break fella, don’t give me COVID!'’ Yeah I know the friggin’ rules, and I don’t give a rat’s ass about them. Jesus. Is this the way it is now? We have to look on everyone with suspicion, because everyone is the enemy, and we are required by law to mistrust them, and hate them, because they might infect us? (I didn’t say all that, I’m paraphrasing Lionel Shriver because I agree.) And Lionel used the word tribal. And I just want to add to that yes, it is tribal, and yes, we have been getting more and more tribal for the last ten years, because we are reverting to that mentality (I blame the internet, but I blame the internet for everything, so don’t listen to me). That means that we are biologically wired (I’ve said this before and will say it again) to hate each other and distrust each other because we all come from tribes that lived on little plots of land (far apart) that we guarded with our lives against killers and predators. And then suddenly it’s a global universe, but we only feel intimate and uninhibited when we’re on the internet? So we go tribal. So which side are you on, fella? Are you right, left, woke, or what? Are you black or white? Are you cisgender or agender or what the f…..are you? Figure out what you are man, so I know whether or not I hate you. So to this fat dude in the aisle I just wanna say — (And yes I still use the word fat!) ‘Go on a diet buster! If you’re so concerned about your goddamn health you’ll live a lot longer skinny — never mind COVID-19!’ So I’m the enemy now am I? Because I threatened your personal space and almost killed you with my germs? Another friend of mine emailed me tonite and told me she was sobbing, thinking about visiting London England last year, and lovers kissing on the street — because that’s just over now. Is she wallowing? Well first, I’m glad I’m not the only one sobbing at night, and second, at least she’s sobbing over the right things. Shall we call it the ‘new abnormal’? Or what about the ‘future imperfect’? Or what about ‘a nightmare in which everybody hates everybody’? Cuz it’s time for me to say goodbye. No, not to this friggin’ blog. To all the friends who will in the future not hug me or kiss me, and who will look at me funny when I tell them I still screw. Imagine what it’s going to be like, in a couple of months, telling people you just blew somebody? Because I actively promote ‘fellatio.’ And I did so, proudly, by the way, in the middle of the AIDS crisis. Because some crazed-health-nut-faggot from some dumb San Francisco AIDS service organization was going on about how ‘it might be possible to get AIDS from sucking penises.' There is no scientific justification for that statement (saliva kills HiV, as do stomach acids). And did this idiot not know that a shitload of gay men were using ‘fellatio’ as a substitute for anal — and that for some it was the only thing keeping them all alive? That’s why I don’t trust public health officials. Because they will tell you lies, without even thinking it through, just to scare the shit out of you. The last few years intellectuals are always talking about cyborgs, and wanting to turn into one — so maybe that is what we will be in the ‘future imperfect.’ After all, it’s safer to be a machine, because machines don’t die, they just run out of juice. COVID-19 is going to take us one step closer to becoming computers. So start worrying, you cold suspicious cyborg, cuz — no matter how awful, mean and resentful you are — I ’m going to look at you with love in my eyes, not hate and suspicion. And in the ‘new abnormal,’ an affectionate look from another loving human being might feel an awful lot like molestation.