PLAGUE DIARY 25: SKY WRITES REVIEWS OF OLD BAD HOLLYWOOD MOVIES TO KEEP HIM SANE DURING THIS TIME OF HORRIFIC INSANITY

Deep in My Heart (1954)
At the end of this movie, Sigmund Romberg starts singing ‘When I Grow too Old to Dream’ and says to the orchestra: “Here is a new one, you won’t find a part for this on your music stand, so — when you think you’ve got it, just join in.” They do of course,  even though that would be impossible; but that’s the kind of film it is. It’s Easter Weekend and we are being warned over and over not to go out of the house. And TCM can only program tripe like this. There will be an endless array of unwatchable films. Jose Ferrer is boring as usual as Sigmond Romberg; I hoped Romberg’s lovely music would make me sad, or able to revel in my sadness, or something. It did; but this movie barely does justice to him. However, the plot is very relevant to our present situation. The plot is made up, as all plots are; but what is made up is often truer than truth. The fiction here is that all his life Romberg wanted to write old-world waltzes and ballads from ‘deep in his heart’  — but was forced by crass American commercial charlatans to churn out boring, peppy garbage. Then he meets the lovely Doe Avedon, and after being scorned by her, he writes The Student Prince 'from deep in his heart.’ The truth is that there are two worlds; the boring world and the exciting one. It’s something my therapist tells me is a lie; but it’s the lie that tells the truth. You see my father was boring. He retired and went grocery shopping for the last 30 years of his life. He seemed quite happy — much like those people I see going to the grocery store now during social-distancing. They are happy that shopping is now the highlight of their day. The exciting world was my mother’s world— falling in love with tragic alcoholic men who didn’t really love her, ordering booze from the store, fighting with everyone about everything, being angry all the time. My therapist says my problem is that I think I have to be either boring or suicidal; a false dichotomy. No. Especially now. It’s no longer about right and left, it’s about Cavaliers vs Roundheads, decadence versus puritanism. COVID-19 offers a clear choice: do you want to be a good person who cares for others, and have absolutely no fun in your life, or do you want to be a selfish hedonist who grabs greedily at the brass ring at the expense of others?  The illness will go away but the zeitgeist will not. It’s not about whether or to shake hands. It’s about closing the door to everything dangerous. Legend tells us about cemetery orgies during the Bubonic Plague, and Pseudo-flagellants roaming the streets. This is our future. If you’re bad, you’ll be very bad, and have sex in graveyards — and if you’re good, you will be very good, and like Christ on the cross (don’t underestimate the power of that metaphor!) — you will be the gardening people, the people baking, leaving little gifts on people’s doorsteps for the sake of senior citizen dying in old folks homes. You will self flagellate and suffer for us. Many saw the Bubonic Plague as a punishment for sins — prostitutes were driven off the streets into brothels; what was once merely moral disapproval became the law.  But forget about the War Measures Act: it’s going much deeper than that. Deep in your heart. U.S. Surgeon General Jerome Adams recently told African Americans to stop drinking and smoking and stay at home to take care of their families; he quite rightly sees the potential in this plague to cure social ills. Say goodbye to pleasure; in the future we will be able to enjoy it only in small doses, if at all. You think I’m exaggerating?  Get ready for it. Do you know that there was a year when Disney closed? I’ve looked it up online and can’t find any record of it (I’m convinced Disney wiped that fact away. It happened in the late 60s sometime — people were flocking to cinemas to see foreign sex films and Disney died.) But Disney came back in full force after AIDS. Boring came back in style, and now it will be with us forever — and those who decide not to be boring will be accused of endangering their own and everybody else’s. Movies like Deep in My Heart are incredibly boring except for the few moments when Disney Family Entertainment suddenly actually becomes a bit too scarily entertaining. You know what I mean. The tap dancing. It is sign of hope. You know what they are doing when they tap dance? They are trying desperately to entertain you -- for a second -- in what they know is a bad musical. They are panting and sweating and giving you everything they have. They know you are bored out of your mind, and they dream that by banging away at the floor and smiling fit to beat the band — the tediousness will go away. And it is always the disenfranchised who tap dance  the most desperately; after all, keeping you smiling is their only chance. You can see the desperation in Ann Miller’s eyes. She was never very pretty, God didn’t grant her chin — but she knows she can tap dance her way deep into your heart! Have you ever seen the old video of Sammy Davis Jr. tap dancing as a little boy? It's so fierce. He has no choice; he knows that he must be more talented than anyone else at all costs. But you know what’s gorgeous about Ann Miller and Sammy Davis Jr.? They don't tap dance out of the kindness of their Christian hearts; no. They are deeply desperate to entertain themselves. Because they know it is our only hope. Because yes, it’s possible to die of boredom. And the nightmare is, yes you die — but you are still alive.