Since everybody seems so goddamn healthy, normal and damn near perfect these days — I offer the following advice:
Seven sure fire ways to help you NOT end up being a Disney character in real life.
1. Don’t have pluck!
This is particularly directed at young women, as the female heroines of Disney movies seem to have an inexhaustible store of ‘pluck. ‘Pluck’ is a lot cuter and more fun than determination. It’s about responding to adversity with uncharacteristically spontaneous action. What’s the alternative? Pessimism and gloom. Come on, just lie in bed all day. Proust might be a good role model. Wear heavy makeup that runs when you cry. And cry a lot. And whatever you do, don’t whistle while you work.
2. Don’t have a big chest.
This is directed to male and female humans, not to other animals. Disney birds and otters don’t tend to be chesty, but if you are a human Disney character you are certain to have giant pectorals (male) or bouncy perky boobs (female). So if you are a male: don’t work out. And if you are a female: don’t get breast implants. If God hadn’t meant you to sag, he wouldn’t have invented gravity.
3. Develop some attractive vices.
Present day ‘physically fit’ culture doesn’t offer us much of a choice: you’re either a perfect Disney character or a heroin addict. What about a much less tragic alternative? Drink and/or smoke yourself to death. Hey - you’ll meet a better class of people when you smoke. Smokers are rebels at heart with a fantastic, deep, self-deprecating sense of humour. You won’t meet any Disney characters on a smoker’s patio!
4. Become an anti-environmentalist.
Being an environmentalist is the first sign of having become a Disney character. You are not only Gluten-free, but obsessed with the Brazilian rain forest, and overly concerned with the next generation. Let’s face it, it’s too late to stop global warming, and plastics can’t be recycled anyway. So who cares about the kids? I certainly don’t plan on having any. I’m with Lee Edelman. There is no future and I want to be part of that.
5. Screw a lot of different people and tell everyone about it.
Kissing and telling is a lost art since these days everyone is pretending they don’t have sex outside marriage (even fags!). So be a slut and make sure to tell everyone about each little horny detail. The prouder you are of your sexual excess the less likely you are to morph into A Little Princess.
6. Don’t Dream.
Live in the here and now. Look around you; that’s what life is. Dreaming about tomorrow is something you do if you want to avoid living in the present. When you’re fifty years old you’ll figure out that your dreams don’t come true anyway, so why not save yourself the disappointment and stop dreaming now.
7. Try not to sing.
Well if you kept reading past past number four, then you may have escaped becoming a Disney character in real life. So, okay. I’ll let you sing a little in the shower if you want to — but only while you’re smoking and getting screwed by a stranger, okay?
Only then.
