You must let us out. This is too much. We can’t stand it anymore. And the CDC says people who have been vaccinated can sit in outdoor patios and have a drink, mask-less. The CDC says that it is safe to be outdoors. Why are there no patios open in Toronto? Why was Ford trying to close down playgrounds? What is going on? We are all going nuts with this f-n lockdown, and it is May and the sun is starting to shine and sunlight kills it — so how's about giving us a dose of sunlight? All my friends are turning into conspiracy theorists. Someone told me the other day that ‘THEY’ have raised the price of lumber and steel just so that no one will be able to build anything anymore. My conspiracy theorist friends are people whose small businesses have been destroyed while Walmart flourishes. Is it any wonder that they are looney? Doesn’t anyone care about what’s happening to our minds as you ceaselessly protect our bodies from an infection that seems to be killing hardly anyone? It’s important for me to say these things or I shall go mad. Not that I have any affection for the outdoors. Like Oscar Wilde and Shakespeare, I have always preferred the artificial over the natural. Shakespeare, contrary to popular opinion, did not hold nature in high esteem. ‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?’ — on top of being addressed to a boy, proceeds to go on about how the beauty of the boy is much better than the beauty of summer. And I would have to agree. Last night I was shooting a movie. I mean I was an actor, in a movie. It was like living again, briefly. But of course I was only playing a part. This wonderful woman (who shall remain nameless — because I don’t know if she wants her name all over my scurrilous blogs) asked me to play a cameo in her film, because she thinks I’m still a famous person. This I find fantastical, but I love to imagine it's true. In the movie I play a drunken faggot -- which is typecasting -- and I get to hurl a cup of soda at someone and yell ‘Go to hell!” This again, is also true to type. I can’t tell you how wonderful it was playing a version of myself — as I used to be — that is a social person, talking to people out of doors. At one point when I was chatting with the crew (more about the crew asap) I suddenly realised, this is chat with a stranger -- you haven’t done it in almost a year! “This is what it’s like to be at a party or a bar, you just talk off the top of your head, remember? About nothing and everything? See…you’re doing it, just keep doing it, yeah, it’s okay. “ It was very strange. But, oh, the crew! I spent all my time trying to figure out who the Best Boy was. In case you are too ignorant to know, the Best Boy is a ‘cinematic’ term (for those in the know) and I myself have made four films, so I am one of those (my films are all now lying at the bottom of a river) and ergo, I am in possession of obscure, esoteric, filmic knowledge. The Best Boy helps the cameraman with the lighting, and he is, technically speaking, his bitch. (I’m sorry. It’s totally inequitable and horrible that camera crews on films are almost always male, and hot, and there’s nothing, it seems, that can be done about that -- at least this film had a female director -- but I was thankful for sexism — at this moment — because the crew eye candy was better than an After Eight Wafer Thin Chocolate Mint!). Okay the relationship between a Best Boy and the cameraman (also called director of photography -- DOP) is very gay. On this film, this DOP was a gorgeous young, short, slim Brit with dark hair and eyes who likely had a dynamite body under his black clothes. The Best Boy was approximately twice his size and wearing a pair of the tightest skinny-jeans I had ever seen — and he was in proud possession of one of those butts you just want to sink your nose into. He kept bounding around — because that’s what a Best Boy does — and now and then his shirt would ride up and show his furry belly. I could have died. Honestly. And at one point he stood behind the DOP, and leaned on a car, and said to the DOP: “I’ll receive” -- and then laughed, and said -- “that is, whatever you’ve got, I’ll receive.” I almost came in my pants. The film I was in was not porn; but it seems like the crew was making their own. You see, the job of a Best Boy is to fulfill the cameraman’s every need by moving lights and gels etc., and he is at the cameraman’s beck and call, which, as I say, is very sexy. One of my friends, (we’ll call him Leith) played my boyfriend in the movie (his character’s name was 2nd Boyfriend; I don’t know why he had more lines that me, the 1st Boyfriend, but my lines were more ‘emotional’ so it is I who shall receive the rave reviews!) And at one point the Best Boy came and stood behind Leith. (This Best Boy was always standing behind people, what’s that about?) And he asked Leith if he minded that he might tap Leith on the shoulder, and Leith said: “Whatever…I have no boundaries!” Girlfriend! Can you believe it? I admonished Leith later for his slutty behaviour. Only one word for it: wanton! Earlier on, I had to keep Leith under control — as Leith said: “Should we ask the crew if they would like to have sex with an actress?” I said “No Leith, we should ask them if they would like to have sex with a star!” But I was only humouring him. Honestly Leith. I do believe you would have propositioned the entire crew if I hadn’t been there. We were filming in front of Filmore’s 'Gentleman’s Club' — which will be closing soon. All I can say is -- how very discouraging. At one point someone rode by on a bike and yelled “Don’t sit on any of the chairs in there — you’ll get AIDS!” This, sadly, is the world we live in now, a world where fear of illness has driven us far away from sitting on anything that is pleasurable. I held a birthday party at Filmore’s once — I dressed in drag and so did my boyfriend. My boyfriend was very proud that the strippers thought he was a real girl -- and that they, of course, had no such thoughts about me. I just don't think they'll ever get rid of Filmore’s, it will just move to the suburbs. You can try moving your desire to the suburbs but I doubt it will stay there. Someday, it's bound to gravitate to your 'nether regions' once again, and challenge your soul.
