of burqas for everyone. I know they are usually considered Muslim attire, but the word ‘Muslim’ means ‘submission,' and that pretty much describes what’s going on now. So ‘burqas for all’ seems quite appropriate. But more than being in favour, I want, desire — nay yearn, for the day we can all wear burqas — men, women, everybody. The great thing about burqas is that they are so sexy. Now just hold on and follow my train of thought. The origin of the burqa was not religious. The story goes like this: before they became a Muslim routine a woman ran through town wearing a burqa and everyone went crazy — i.e. the men found it wildly erotic and all of them wanted to have sex with her. So from the start it was about the facilitation of eroticism; in other words the garment was clearly an aphrodisiac. I have no doubt it remains one to this day. For the burqa affirms the fetishisation of the female body. The reason for burqas is that fetishization; Muslim men are frank about this. Female bodies are considered by the Muslim religion (as in some Protestant sects and for people like Mike Pence) not just attractive under certain circumstances, (i.e. when the lights are low) no — if men are even to catch a passing glimpse of a naked ankle, they will and must become uncontrollably and dangerously erect and petrifyingly passionate, nothing will stop them, nothing must get in their way. This is apparently because men are -- evidently -- brutish unruly animals with no self control. Well, I would do almost anything to ensure men were sexually inflamed by my presence (outside of a getting butt implant — I won't ever do that!). So if all it takes is for me to wear a burqa — well, I’ll order one from Amazon now. And of course if everyone wore burqas we would be safe from the dreaded virus — no ‘should I take my mask off for minute?' It is about complete submission to the illness and all it’s persuasive paradigms, metaphors and myths. And as we have been told that this pandemic is just the first of many and that viruses are always unpredictable and may mutate (COVID-19 is mutating right now, apparently), the big question becomes — well — who knows? I mean, anything could happen. But beyond the safety and fetish aspects of burqas there is the complete submission of one’s entire person to the COVID-19 faith -- yes it is a new religion — not the least of all because it rivals the Muslim religion in its demand for utter and complete subservience. I always have been submissive — sexually (I know, TMI!) - but the pandemic offers an opportunity on a much wider, much more comprehensive scale to submit ourselves to whatever powers there be and to obey -- for ours is not to reason why — as we are clearly putting peoples lives in danger if we do. And the notion of ‘putting other people’s lives in danger’ is at the heart of this new religion and its demand for submission. A friend of mine who is a slut (she’s a dominatrix, actually) wanted to visit her 90 year old grandmother on her birthday. Her sister — who is somewhat of a religious zealot— barred my dominatrix friend from visitation. This is even after my friend the dominatrix said she would only go to the door of her grandmother’s house, stand outside wearing a mask, greet her through the screen door, and leave the present on the doorstep. The 90 year old woman, of course, had no say in the matter -- though she did want to see her dominatrix granddaughter; but the evangelistic sister wouldn’t have it. And the finger wagging sister’s words are characteristic -- nay definitive -- of the religious dogma that dominates this pandemic: “It’s one thing if you want to kill yourself — but you have no right to kill our grandmother!” Wow. I bow in wonder at the magnificence of the rhetoric. J.L Austin introduced the concept of ‘illocutionary acts’ — the notion that certain combinations of words are actual acts, that change reality— as in during the marriage ceremony when we say ‘I do.’ The implications of the idea -- you have the right to ruin your life but not everyone else’s -- are beyond anything we might imagine. For at the heart of this divine eloquence lies not unselfishness, but revenge. The evangelistic sister who uttered these fatal words (and they are fatal) had always hated her dominatrix sister. Specifically, she had been jealous of her sister making a tidy sum of money through her sexual control of men. Undoubtedly she coveted her sister’s ‘lifestyle.’ But as a kind, religious woman she was never been able to say take responsibility for this jealousy (which had become contempt). And now, the new religion of COVID-19 has empowered her to curse her sister in the name of altruism. And surely there is a little bit of the evangelistic sister in all of us? COVID-19 invites us (I see it on TV every day) to provide an exhaustive and detailed catalogue of this sins that the selfish few bring upon the hapless many. One sees it play out excruciatingly in the stories of the COVID-19 deniers, the tragic victims who, up until the very end, have said 'this is a made-up illness, no different from the flu.' Inevitably and ironically they suffer the agonizing fate of succumbing to the virus themselves. The kind, older nurse will say "I just couldn’t understand it. Even up until the end, when he was choking for breath he would ask: 'What is happening? This can’t be real.'" Watching this wise nurse on CNN, we can’t help but chuckle at the way in which the virus sought to punish this wilfully ignorant unbeliever. No, that will not be us, only him, after all we all know that the wages of sin is death, so we submit. We will wear our burqa. I plan on going naked under mine. I think that men will know that I am naked. Yes I'll wash the dam thing -- don't worry -- just as I wash my mask. But every swish and every sway of the delicate fabricate over my trembling limbs, as it brushes against my, tensely, vibrantly responsive naked body -- will tell a tale. And it will be the ultimate mask of all, the burqa -- my lover -- the mask that tells the truth.
