Saturday, 11 January 2014


Dear Nice Reader who probably never complains at all, here are a buncha things that bug my ass:

1.      I read in The National Post yesterday that several Canada-bashers -- including Gary Shteyngart and Stephen Marche -- are criticizing Canadian funding for the arts. You can always trust The National Post to publish anything that is critical of so-called government waste. (To Harper Devotees government waste means money that goes to marginalized people, as opposed to money that goes to rich businessmen.) In an interview on Mr. Shteyngart said that Canadian writers are boring because “Maybe they want to please the Ontario Arts Council or whatever it is.” Stephen Marche concurred, with the blithe comment -- “Canlit doesn’t take risks. My God what an amazingly controversial idea.” Yes Canlit can be boring -- but why don’t either of these guys blame Heather Reisman and/or capitalism itself? I love the way it was beneath Mr. Shteyngart to even remember the name of an arts council.  And Esquire’s Stephen Marche obviously knows the way to get ahead in American publishing is to trash Canadians. Canadian culture is boring only because it is being suffocated to death by American commercialism, and the banal digital media it spews out like so much kaka vomit. But what would Gary and Stephen know? (which quoted Shteyngart) is proud to supply us, daily, with ‘entertainment news, celebrity news and TV recaps’ and Marche’s Esquire features a webpage with a scintillating story on “The 10 Most Badass Female Action Stars.” Wow – that’s not boring, eh?

2. The ‘backlash’ against The Wolf of Wall Street would be incredibly hilarious if it
wasn’t so  tragic. After the movie was released worried fathers everywhere tweeted: “I brought my kids to see The Wolf of Wall Street over Christmas and had to shield their eyes! Is this what Hollywood calls quality family holiday entertainment?” Well what did you expect, you dufus? And hey, why are people so shocked by this flic, anyway? It’s because movies have gotten so Disneyfied (Saving Mr. Banks  anyone?) that if it isn’t a handful of treacle washed down with a spoonful of sugar people are ‘offended.’ Sure, a fraud like David. O. Russell can make a lousy Scorsese ripoff called American Hustle and get nominated for twenty Oscars, even though it’s just a bunch of stupid gags acted out by a bunch of cartoon characters (wow men in hair curlers, what could be funnier than that?). But when Scorsese crafts a real/ touching / brilliant / fantastic movie deeply exploring the human capacity for greed, folly and self-destruction, people are ‘offended.’ (I don’t even like Leonardo DiCaprio. But the scene where he’s stoned and crawling to his car is the scariest, most amazing thing I’ve ever watched in any movie, anywhere.)

3.     Did you have some travel headaches over the holidays? Well apparently it’s not the fault of the airline, or GO METROLINX, it’s the fault of the weather. Sorry but I’m not buying it. I was waiting four two hours in a lineup with a bunch of other frozen commuters while a bunch of GO drivers next to us were having a good laugh and a coffee. None of them thought to help. All we wanted wanted was a little communication. (What is going on? When is that bus coming?) My prediction is that travel will just get worse because our culture is dedicated to figuring out ways to make people stay home. Bad service when you visit the bank? Do your banking online. Your bus is late? Please email us with your comments! Frankly, why should any business provide good service in person anymore when most businesses would rather you did your shopping online? We travel to meet people and find new experiences, right? Well I don’t know how to tell you this, but people won’t be doing that shit in the future. In the future we’ll be doing all our traveling in cyberspace and having Skype sex.

  4. Speaking of sex. I’m tired of guys who want to ‘party.’ You know when they come into your    room at the baths, and they are so hot, and they start having sex with you, and then comes the inevitable ‘Do you party?’ question -- which means do you do drugs, probably heavy duty ones – like crack or Crystal Meth? And if you say ‘Sorry dude no, I don’t party’ the hot guy goes away. Now don’t get me wrong, I know people have always have liked sex and drugs together. But it seems to me (and I’m old enough to remember this) that there was a time when those drugs weren’t liable to kill you right on the spot (remember alcohol and marijuana?), or people were willing to just, you know, have sex. Remember sex? It can be a lot of fun without drugs. Or am I wrong?

So what is this world coming to?