Things You Can Do

 Outside

1) You can pee.
 I recommend peeing outside, as many public washrooms are closed — especially, it seems, when you need them most! I found a great outdoor spot to pee in Hamilton. There’s a wall on one side, and a little inset door, which says ‘no loitering’ (because lots of guys pee there). You just have to make sure there isn’t anybody in the parking lot behind you spying. Well, all they would see is your butt. (Of course they would know what you are doing.) Peeing outside is great! On the one hand you feel like you’re flaunting authority (which I love) and then of course, you get that pee out, which is often an absolute necessity. (I do apologize to all the women who don’t like to squat. But I know some of my best women friends quite happily, do! So go to it, ladies!)

2)  You can litter.
Littering is fun. For some reason the garbage cans have been removed from a lot of public places — I’m not sure what that has to do with COVID-19. But ours is not to reason why, ours is to obey. And most of the time you can’t eat inside so —. Well I found myself hurrying through a Tim Ho's coffee and bran muffin in sub-freezing temperatures while sitting on a cold rock, and there was no garbage can in sight. So yes, I littered. Again, there is something freeing about committing the ‘verboten.’ Also, as I’m watching the cup blowing away, I thought about that scene in American Beauty with the rumpled paper bag? Which was, I guess, all about beauty? (I was never sure.)

3) You can have sex.
This is awfully liberating!. Sure, you might freeze your nuts or vagina off. Or you could just throw somebody onto the back of an outdoor heating mechanism and have your way with them. If you are caught, you may be arrested for ‘public indecency.’ But you would be in good company! Oscar Wilde and many other homosexuals — famous and not — risked life and limb to have a good outdoor screw. Of course if you are an exhibitionist, it’s extra fun!

One more thing. I recommend you do any — or (preferably) all of the above — on a GO bus or train. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the Toronto GO Transit system has gotten particularly drunk with power during the pandemic. It has given them the chance to cancel the express bus between Hamilton and Toronto — something they always wanted to do — but now they have an excuse. It doesn’t matter that the new COVID system of stuffing people on trains and tiny connecting buses between Toronto and Hamilton is actually dangerous for your health. But GO has always been corrupt. There are several GO stations built in lonely, empty neighbourhoods simply because ambitious MPs wanted to to tout this achievement in their election campaigns. So if you live in a tiny neighbourhood that doesn’t need a GO station—  but  for some inexplicable reason has one — you can thank the corrupt GO Transit! As you may have guessed, I hate Go transit -- ever since they wiped out Coach Canada (and Greyhoud, practically) in the name of not providing proper service to small towns.  I used to travel on GO from Hamilton to Guelph before COVID.  My daily commute to work was 5 hours (there and back-- it used to be 1 hour and a half before GO). It was worse when it snowed. So, yes, I recommend you litter, pee and have sex on GO Transit immediately! If you can manage to do all of these things at the same time, that would be even better!

As you can see I have become mentally unhinged. Well I always was, but COVID-19 has made it worse. I know I am not the only one. I am a rebellious creature, that’s the problem, and I absolutely detest being told what to do (however wonderful the cause is!). And there are many like me. The way that most people deal with the stress and strain of COVID-19 rules and restrictions is by becoming a drug addict (or — I should say — more of one) and/or by raping their innocent daughters, and/or by killing someone. Since these are extreme and unsavoury ways to deal with stress, I would suggest you just go outside and have a good pee, a good litter, or a good screw. I feel I am doing a public service by suggesting these alternatives (which is something we’ve all learned is more important than anything nowadays.) No, you wouldn’t be hurting anybody by peeing, littering or screwing out of doors. The worst you might do is shock someone. But shock is good for people generally -- and especially with their mind-numbing daily diet of Netflix and/or logging onto Facebook in order to finger wag the ‘COVID naughty.’

Happy Holidays!