I’m in the past

 I’m afraid — but why not? As there is no future. There may be one, of course, but its best not to hope — or imagine — forwards; so one must imagine back. I often wake up on Thursday mornings in the middle of a dream; it’s because I’ve been fasting and I know I’m going to eat on Thursday so my stomach wakes me up in anticipation. I'm trying to keep my weight down. It’s the fantasies I have, of course, of all the sex I will have if life ever resumes. But then there’s, you know, mutations.That’s all anyone can talk about, f-ing mutations. Sorry. Shall I continue in my hopeless voice? Does it appeal to you? Does my helpless wistfulness make you feel comfortable in your own passive acceptance of COVID-19? Okay. I look at myself naked in the mirror and think — what is the purpose of this nakedness? I like Church Street because even in the darkest cold the men are wearing tight pants, and I can imagine what is in them. So anyway, the dream was this: auditions. I was sitting on the floor with my friends Ed Roy, Ken McDougall and Daniel MacIvor, and we were waiting for people to audition. Daniel looked around noticing it was a short audition list, and said something to the effect of “I expected more.” Yes it seemed that way at the time Daniel, didn’t it? Is that why you decided to be a gay playwright who writes straight plays? Honestly, I have nothing against Daniel, he’s always been kind to me. But a couple of years after I met him I could see him yearning after Tarragon Theatre and Tarragon yearning after him. Daniel was the perfect Sky replacement; I was too gay for Urjo, but Daniel was a perfect match (why have such a 'gay gay' when you could have an 'un-gay' one?) I didn’t want Daniel to leave Buddies in Bad Times Theatre so I wrote him a letter trying to explain why I thought it was important for him to continue writing gay plays. I know he always cherished that letter. The four of us were kind of the four musketeers. The bond between me, Ed, Ken and Daniel was very homosexual, but not terribly sexual. Ken and I had sex once. I don’t think he really wanted to, but I persuaded him. He was very promiscuous (as was I) and  I just thought: “Why is it you are willing to sleep with the whole world and not me?” So Ken just gave in. I remember how small he was — I mean his whole body — I felt as if I could hold all of him in the palm of my hand. And the story Ken always used to tell was about the day we had a big fight (we often had them). We lived in twin rooms in a gorgeous crazy fun apartment at Spadina and College, across from the El Mocambo (also occupied by the gay a cappella singing group called The Nylons). Anyway Ken slammed his door, and I was banging on it, and he yelled: “You’re never going to open that door!”  I was so furious -- and tugged and pulled and screamed. Afterwards Ken claimed that when he said ‘You[re never going to open that door!’ he was simply telling me that the door was stuck. He characterized me as melodramatic (could it be true?) — and he was the calm reasonable one. I wrote Suzy Goo: Private Secretary for him because he was so sublime as Judy Goose in Drag Queens in Outer Space (How could that happen? I thought no one could ever follow the perfect Leonard Chow in that role.)  But I was never romantically involved with Ken; it was just a sort of torturous yet fruitful working partnership. However Ken was in love with Daniel. And for him that was torture, as Daniel wasn’t in love with him. And then all of us were obsessed with Ed; everyone wanted to screw him, just because he resembled — and was, kind of — a beautiful outlaw, I got over it, so did Ken, but I think the ‘Ed thing’ drove Daniel a little crazy. That’s what I’m waiting for. I think it’s why I’ve been kind of enjoying the riots and Marjorie Taylor Greene; after all, she is fully, alive -- angry and crazy as a bedbug sandwich. Can’t you people see what’s going on? Do you think this has anything to do with politics? Do you think any of these conspiracy theory numskulls are actually interested in politics? This has to do with people being crazy cooped up at home for a frigging year. And it’s all very nice that for some of you COVID is a good excuse to become a vegetable or get in touch with your friggin’ calm (Try 'Calm' — it’s a new app!) but for the rest of us it’s a good excuse to lose our nut. I’m not saying I like Marjorie better than Joe Biden, but I sure like her a lot better than Theresa friggin’ Tam. Do you honestly, does anybody honestly think that most people are good inside, that they want to be virtuous and that they love their fellow man? That’s a bigger lie than 'Stop the Steal.’ It’s why The Shakers just had to dance. I’ve been watching this movie The Guv’nor by Guy Ritchie about a working class English boxer named Lenny McLean who liked to hit guys — why? Because his stepfather hit him. And then there’s James Joyce’s story about the working class guy who gets beat up by somebody, and then gets home and beats his son, and then the son kicks the dog. This kind of frustration doesn’t go away, it’s like trying to push the lump of air out of waterbed, it’s just going to go somewhere else. The amount of sheer hypocrisy that people are being asked to swallow is going to drive them to violence; Hitler knew very well what he was doing -- I'm certain all that fake patriotic, do-it-for-the-state virtue he demanded from people not only excused their atrocities but drove people to commit them. Nazis were just good people who didn’t want to be good anymore. It’s why Adorno was against art that has a noble purpose; because so many atrocities are committed in the name of the good. BEWARE OF VIRTUE! We’re all standing apart and caring for each other yeah, sure, until we start attacking each other out of mind-sucking soulless boredom. And I’m not trying to incite violence here, I’m just telling it like it is. We made Marjorie Taylor Greene, and we made that crazy cute guy with the perfect hairy abs who wore horns and a bathroom rug (apparently that fur he wore around his neck was actually his bathroom rug — but that doesn’t make me love him any less!). Yes they are insurrectionists, and yes they killed people, but they were also (to quote the movie Network) ‘mad as hell and they couldn’t take it anymore!’ And Jesus Christ if any part of you is still alive, somewhere -- then so are you.