I, Theresa Tam

despise my name. There should be no ‘h’ in it. The ‘h’ is not pronounced. So why is it there?  I cannot stand things — or persons — that have no reason. Some —many in fact — don’t like the things I say. Too bad. I only speak the truth. I speak science — if I had a gospel it would be that. If people do not wish to listen, it is at their own peril. But much more than that — it is to the peril of others. They call it finger wagging. Hah! For years we wagged our fingers — we warned you about diseases like this, but no one listened. Now are you happy? Of course not. The expectation of happiness is of course ridiculous anyway. I certainly do not expect to be happy, I know that life is not easy, and requires self-sacrifice. Certainly mine has. It’s not easy being ‘Canada’s Top Doctor;’ I toil tirelessly from dawn until dusk, and yet people are often deaf to my decrees. What deluded children they are. Certainly I care. I do nothing but care — but at a distance, not with tears and pity, no — with information. I care with data, I care with charts, statistics, I care with graphs that soar yes —to alarming heights!  Stop this endless partying, socialising, drinking, dancing, singing and God knows what else! I know you have a stupid affection for these things, but you are a long time dead, and more importantly so is your neighbour! It is your neighbour you infect, your neighbour you endanger with your reckless acts! I, Theresa Tam have your best interests at heart. No, I do not wish to be a public spokesperson. I have no vanity. Truth be told, I didn’t used to be this way. I had a dog once. Yes, I, Theresa Tam had a dog! Useless creature. It was a miniature French poodle. Miniature, and French — two quite useless things to be! I thought I loved that dog. Love! How deluded I was. I spit on love, I spit on all French poodles. Well yes I had her put down. Her name was Fifi. Fifi! If you can imagine. I used to coo and cuddle with her, my ‘darling Fifi,’ my ‘gorgeous Fifi’ and I thought this was love — but I’ll tell you what it was! It was germs! I had allowed germs into my life. Yes, yes I was kissing that Fifi. I was kissing that filthy dog on the nose! It was not easy for me to give up something that I sincerely believed was love, but I had to do it, because I, Theresa Tam was kissing an unsanitary thing, all because I imagined it was cute. It was a painless death after all, and ultimately, truth be told — there are too many dogs. The world did not need my Fifi — and she was not mine anyway, she belonged to nature, to earth, to science. Yes I donated Fifi’s body to the study of diseases that are spread between animals — particularly miniature French poodles — and humans! Do you love a poodle? Stop now. I tell you the love of a poodle is dangerous and ultimately lethal. I endured the same thing too, with humans. Yes, I, Theresa Tam was once in love! I did not of course have sex. I am asexual. Sex is pointless because the world is overpopulated. You have an urge? Pah! Repress it. Why must you indulge — what sort of weak thing are you? Think of the diseases, why if I think of them my mind becomes densely populated with the colourful and horrifying images from the pages of medical textbooks. Closeups of rotting, stinking genitalia! No, stop now! Do not put that in your mouth! Would you put a used shoe in your mouth? Would you link a manure plow? Then why would you lick that? Though I am asexual, I am not of course heartless. I am not aromantic. I realise the necessity for romance. Not for me, but for men. Women are strong, they understand science, but men are weak, indulgent, irrational beings, and they need to imagine. The imagination is the culprit really! They feel the urge to imagine castles in the air — perfect endings and dare I say It — perfect ends! I understand that men are by nature unthinking beings, and I therefore, because I am not an unkind person — whatever you say, you cannot, must not say that I am unkind — I will occasionally allow a man to love me. Not because I want to participate in that love -- for I certainly have no need for it. And love has no need for me. It will go on it’s merry way -- wrecking lives and logic and dreaming of everything when there is nothing. I won’t let men get near me, as they have germs, they are worse than Fifi. But I would not have them put down, I would never have a human being put down, even though it is undeniably true that some humans should be put down, painlessly, in a sterile room, with music playing —  perhaps Mozart -- no — just a recording of the ocean, that would be nice — and they would just fade away, because so many people bring so much disease in the world, and spread COVID-19, without masks and without thinking. But I would never advocate mass extermination. I am not a Nazi! I am Theresa Tam, and I have a soul! Yes, people can and must be allowed to live — no matter how stupid, thoughtless and infectious they are. But soon, I hope, for your sake as well as mine — people will learn to follow the rules. Or else. Or else what? I have ways — we have ways — of making you into good and caring people. But please do not ask me exactly what those ways are.  For you do not want to know.